


Let's Unwrite These Pages and Replace Them With Our Own Words

by LookAlive_DeadEyes



Series: dysphoric ramblings [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Body Dysphoria, Child Abuse, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Teenagers, Depressing, Depression, Don't bind with ACE bandages kids, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, FTM, Ftm Phil Lester, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I know first-hand, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Physical Abuse, Texting, Trans, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Phil Lester, Verbal Abuse, binding, binding unsafely, it's stupid, it's v brief though, sleepover
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 09:00:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15770868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LookAlive_DeadEyes/pseuds/LookAlive_DeadEyes
Summary: Phil is trans. The thing is, his parents aren't very happy about that. His only support is Dan, who's been there for him since the beginning. When shit goes down at the Lester house, Dan is left to figure out how to put Phil back together after his parents do a good job of shattering him.





	Let's Unwrite These Pages and Replace Them With Our Own Words

**Author's Note:**

> I would die for trans!Phil.
> 
> DO NOT BIND WITH ACE. I've done it in the past and it's never good. Stay safe.
> 
> Please enjoy!
> 
> ps - major shoutout to @ annie-lynn2003 on tumblr for beta-ing this and just being super amazing and supportive
> 
> Fic title from Swing Life Away by Rise Against  
> Chapter title from I've Got A Dark Alley and A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth by Fall Out Boy

It was 10 pm and Dan was lying on his bed, aimlessly scrolling through the internet. He had given up on completing any maths homework when he fell into a vortex of internet quizzes, and he had been on BuzzFeed for the past hour. It was an average Friday night, and that was how Dan liked it.

He jumped, startled, as his phone chirped. He grabbed it and saw the message notification - Phil. He smiled and opened it, expecting it to be some strange meme or cat photo. His grin faded as he read the message. 

_code red_

Shit. Dan scrambled to text back when another message came through. 

_park?_

_Yup, going now._

Dan grabbed his hoodie off his desk chair, tucking his phone and wallet into the pocket. At the last second, he grabbed an old beanie. 

“Mom! I’m heading to the park.” Dan saw his mom’s head poke through the doorframe between the foyer and the living room. 

“Phil?” she asked. Dan nodded. Her brow stitched with worry, and Dan could see the sympathy in her eyes. “He can stay here if he needs, no questions asked.”

Dan nodded. He had a cool mom, as far as moms went, and he was grateful. “I know, Mum. I’ll tell him.” She nodded and went back to the living room and Dan left the house, making sure he grabbed his keys. He began his walk to the park, not knowing what he would need to do once he got there.

Dan and Phil had been friends since elementary school. They has seen each others best times, and worst, and everything in between. They told each other everything - their deepest thoughts, darkest secrets, biggest fears.

Phil knew about Dan’s depression. He knew that if Dan didn’t text him and didn’t show up at school, he should come to Dan’s house and force him to eat and drink and shower. He knew about the horrible thoughts that plagued Dan daily, the thoughts that Dan hated with a vengeance but couldn’t help believe. He knew that when Dan forgot his meds or ran out, it was bad. He knew Dan had come close to self-harm. 

And Phil was there for Dan though all of it.

Dan knew that Phil was trans and had been born Rebecca, but that Phil hated that name more than anything. He knew that when dysphoria got bad, Phil would wrap his chest in ACE bandages and stuff socks down his pants and shove his hair into old beanies, even though he hated hats. Dan knew that Phil’s parents were the opposite of supportive and were often flat-out abusive. Dan knew that once every month, he would drag Phil to his house so they could order pizza, eat M&Ms, play video games, and ignore that bloody week of hell.

Dan was there for Phil through all of it, and that’s why they had a code system.

Phil’s parents would explode at times. They were furiously against the idea of having a son, not a daughter, and took everything Phil did personally. They would scream and yell, and sometimes Phil needed to get out of the house. That’s why they had simple codes - so Phil could text two small words and duck out of the door to meet up with the only person in his life who truly seemed to care about him.

Code green - Phil was okay. Nothing bad happened. Dan could stop worrying, and Phil would text him later.  
Code yellow - an argument and maybe some yelling, but that was it. Phil wanted to get out and get some space, so he and Dan would meet up for a few hours later.  
Code orange - bad fighting. Phil was scared, genuinely scared, that his parents would hurt him, or they had tried to. He needed out, sometimes staying overnight with Dan.  
Code red - they had never used this one yet - until now. It was a last resort. This meant Phil had gotten hurt or kicked out. He needed to leave.

 

Ten minutes of walking later, Dan arrived at the park. He saw someone sitting on the swings and walked towards them - it had to have been Phil. 

As Dan neared the person, he heard muffled sniffles. Dan’s heart rate increased - Phil never cried unless something was really bad.

“Phil?” Dan reached out and touched his shoulder. When Phil looked up at Dan, something completely broke and he began sobbing, collapsing in on himself. Dan walked to the front of the swing and embraced him. 

“Hey, Philly. It’ll be okay. I promise. You’re okay now. You’re away from them. You’re okay.” Phil shook as he cried even harder, sobs wracking his lean frame.

“Phil, you’re gonna stay at my house, okay? No questions asked by my mum. Come on. You’re okay now.” It was getting colder outside and Phil was shivering, wearing nothing but black skinny jeans and a t-shirt.

Phil slowly stood, still shaking and crying, gripping onto Dan as if he was a lifeboat, like would drown and never come up again if he dared let go.

“Want to talk?” Dan asked softly.

Phil firmly shook his head and rested his forehead on Dan’s shoulder as the walked, tears brimming in his eyes. Dan snaked his arm around Phil, rubbing at the boys side once in a while to comfort him. 

Once they arrived at Dan’s house, they went straight up to Dan’s room. Dan shot a quick text to his mom explaining that Phil was staying the night, and she gave him the okay.

The two boys laid down on Dan’s bed, naturally spooning, Phil tucked into Dan’s side.

“They're right,” Phil muttered, voice shaking. “I'm a girl. I'm a failure. I'll never be able to do anything right or amount to anything. I could die tomorrow and the difference it would make would be making everything better for everyone else.”

“Phil, look at me.” Dan brushed some of Phil’s hair that fell from his beanie out of his eye after they two boys faced each other. “You are the most handsome boy I've ever seen, and the most amazing. You're smart and kind and funny, and Phil, you're going to do the most fantastic things in life.”

“No. No, I’m not,” he wrenched himself out of Dan’s grip and slipped off the bed. “I’m wrong, I’m messed up. No one gives a shit about me and no one should. They’re right, they’re both right, the world would be better if I would just die.” Phil was leaning against the wall by this point and slowly slid down it until he was curled up, knees to his chest as his back pressed on the wall opposite the bed.

Dan was shocked. He had never seen Phil so distraught, so utterly broken. He got off the bed and walked over to Phil, sitting down beside him and pulling the shaking boy close for a hug.

As Phil rested his head on Dan’s shoulder, Dan began to rub his back. 

“Phil,” Dan whispered. “You are an amazing, strong young man. You matter so much, Phil, and I love you so much. You are my sunshine, the light in my life. You are smart and kind and funny and fuck, Phil, there is no one in the world who’s as special. 

I would be dead if not for you, Phil, and I’m so glad I’m not. It’s because of you I can be happy. You bring so much joy into everyone’s lives just by being yourself. You are worth so much, Phil, I promise you.”

Phil let out another sob as he wrapped his arms around Dan, the two boys now holding on to each other like the world would end if they ever let go. 

They stayed like that for the better part of an hour as Phil calmed down. The sobs quieted into muffled sniffles, the fierce shaking turning into the occasional shudder. 

After another few minutes, Dan saw Phil’s eyes begin to shut as the puffy-eyed boy adjusted his beanie. Phil needed rest, Dan knew for sure, but he could sleep with anything tight around his chest. Phil couldn’t have a real binder, so he would sometimes use ACE bandages. Dan would tell him not to, but Phil would choose aching ribs over a heavy heart any day.

“Phil,” Dan said softly, nudging him, “you need to take off your binder.”

Despite his drowsy state, Phil was still awake enough to argue - though not very well. 

“Can’t. Don’t wanna. Too hard and I feel bad without it.”

Dan sighed, nudging Phil away a bit. “Nope. Not safe, Philly. You have to take it off.”

Phil’s eyes filled with new tears. “Please, Dan, I can’t. Please, don’t make me.” His hands began to shake a bit.

“Phil, you’ll hurt yourself. I’m not letting you sleep until you take it off.” Dan paused to pull his own sweatshirt over his head, leaving him in a faded Muse shirt. “You can wear my sweater, okay? You want any help?”

Phil swpled his hand across his eyes and nodded, too worm out to put up much of a fight. He pulled his t-shirt off and winced in pain, a hand immediatly going to his ribs, right on top of the dirty bandage. 

“Phil, how long have you been wearing that?” Dan tried to keep his voice soft but the anxiety was easily heard. 

Phil shrugged, grimacing. “Few days, I think? It’s been bad.”  
“Let’s just get you out of it.” Dan reached towards Phil’s to unwrap it - they were comfortable enough with each other neither of them minded. 

The more of Phil’s chest Dan saw, the worse he felt. Phil’s ribs were rubbed raw in places, bruises decorating the pale skin. 

Phil saw Dan’s aghast look and muttered an alology. “‘M sorry. Felt too bad to take them off.” 

The moment the bandages were off, Phil pulled on the sweatshirt and curled inwards, holding his ribs. “Bed now?”

Dan nodded and helped Phil up and then under the sheets. Dan slipped in beside him. Phil shifted right away so he was laying on Dan’s chest with their legs tangled together. Dan’s hand quickly went to Phil’s head, playing with his now uncovered hair. 

“Go to sleep, Philly. I’m here. You’re safe.”

Phil made a quiet noise of contentment, and within minutes his breathing slowed to the point where Dan was sure he was asleep. 

Now, in the quiet of night, Dan allowed himself to wonder what went down at Phil’s. Despite not mentioning it, he saw the faint outline of a bruise beginning to form on his jaw. And Phil was never this upset unless things were really bad. What happened?

Dan tried to quiet his mind. He focussed on the weight of Phil on him. Phil was here, he was safe, he couldn’t get hurt anymore. Phil, here, safe. Phil, here, safe...

Dan repeated this until he drifted into a restless sleep. He was just glad tomorrow was a Saturday.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed me heavily projecting onto Phil and craving for someone like Dan. 
> 
> There will be a chapter two coming soon, and I might write more if you guys want me too. Please leave feedback!
> 
> hmu @toastingtotheghosts on tumblr


End file.
